There have been some truly atrocious rap cameos on garbage R&B and rock songs over the years, many of which have made me question the CRC-approved status of the rapper dudes involved. With the disturbing discovery of Jadakiss’ cameo on this effed-up Lil Ty video (which will be giving me nightmares for weeks to come), it seems only right to relive some of the horrors of Cheque Cashed Rap:

LFO feat. M.O.P. – ‘Life Is Good’

I was convinced that this was the worst song ever made until I heard ‘Call Me Maybe’ (which has been endured by over half a billion fuckybergs thus far), as the Lyte Funkie Ones attempted to ramp up their credibility by inviting the Mash Out Posse to rap about “burnings getting tossed” in Brownsville, which made absolutely zero sense in relation to the fairy-floss feel of the rest of the song. Unsurprisingly, the album from which this demon spawn was birthed tanked, in stark contrast to the 2.5 million copies of their 1999 debut. Perhaps they knew that the boy band craze was on the way out and thought “Fuck it – let’s just get the most aggressive rappers we can find to piss off our record label?”

Paris Hilton feat. Lil’ Wayne – ‘Good Time’

Ms. Hilton models some of her favourite bedazzled swimsuits while stunting her trademark smug expression and warbling, “Are you having a good time? ‘Cos I’m having a good time.” Sample line from Wayne’s verse: “It’s Paris Hilton, bitch!” While the whole “sanging” thing didn’t work out, legend has it that she has been known to rake in $350,000 an hour as a DJ these days, so you’ve got to respect the hustle on a certain level.

Roy Jones Jnr. feat. Scarface – ‘Invincible’

Continuing the tradition of professional athletes who want to be rap stars, boxer Roy Jones Jnr. managed to rope in everyone from Tupac, Bun B and Juvenile over the course of his solo album and his group, Body Head Bangaz. As demonstrated here, Roy is painfully unable to “stick ‘n’ move” to the chaotic mess of a beat here, resulting in a painful listening experience that will make you wish that you had been TKO’d on the canvas like the Pac Man last year rather than endure another second of this audio assault. All is forgiven, Shaq!

Linkin Park feat. Jay Z – ‘Big Pimpin’/Papercut’

Mike Shinoda and his nu metal pals may just be the worst thing to happen in the past decade. While it was very much ‘on trend’ at the time to release a ‘mashup’ of two commercial giants of the early noughties, hearing ya boy Mike rap over a Timbaland beat makes me appreciate that maybe Macklemore isn’t the worst thing to ever happen to the charts. Seriously, if any of your loved ones have, at any point in their lives, owned a Linkin Park CD, please instruct them to drink a bucket of bleach.

Justin Bieber feat. Kanye West and Raekwon – ‘Runaway Love (remix)’

As much as they try to distract us with some old Wu-Tang beats and the whole faux Ron G blend tape style, this is still a black mark on The Chef’s resume, while Kanye sounds like he recorded his fanboy verse in his bathroom. This was posted on all the TMZ Rap supporting blogs like shit was sweet because hip-hop bloggahs aren’t shit but hoes and tricks.

Victoria Beckham feat. M.O.P. – ‘It’s That Simple’

Fame and Danze signed to Roc-A-Fella and this is the kind of treatment they got? Tagged onto the end of poor man’s Rich Harrison track with the only member of the Spice Girls who couldn’t get a number one single in the UK. Fortunately for everyone involved, the unfortunately titled Come Together LP never saw the light of day due to Posh’s record label going bankrupt. The important thing is that professional blowhard Dame Dash got a bunch of free publicity from the whole fiasco. Ah, bless.

Christina Aguilera feat. Redman – ‘Dirrty’

It was bad enough that Xtina thought that dressing up like a pirate hooker was going to impress anyone, but why drag Redman into this mess? Thankfully he manages to avoid the illegal boxing ring filled with greased-up shirtless dudes and Aguilera’s gang of walking petri dishes pretending to be dancers and walks around backstage while he raps. Let’s just hope he threw that shirt on the fire after they finished filming.