No Country for Old (Rap) Men: Love, hip-hop and ratchets

With an arm injury, time on his hands and a fistful of painkillers, Robbie of Unkut delves into trash TV goldmine Love & Hip Hop

Posted By Robbie Ettelson |

Thanks to a mishap that resulted in a trip to the hospital with an effed-up arm and a truckload of painkillers, this week I’ve found myself with far more free time than usual. This would usually be cause for celebration, but due to being so heavily sedated, I’m currently not operating at the optimum mental capacity required to run “hip-hop’s greatest website” (according to internet Celebrity Dallas Penn), and as a result I thought I’d catch-up on some Combat Jack Show podcasts. The most recent of these featured Star and Buc Wild stopping by the studio, a couple of characters best described as the greatest “loose cannons” in the history of rap radio. This led me to check out the new Star daily show on YouTube via his Shot 97 site, which consists of him getting hopped-up on candy, vitamins and vodka and threatening an assortment of callers and radio personalities in fine style.

A recurring topic on the show is its recaps of what went down on the last episode of Love & Hip Hop, which I previously was only aware of after watching Consequence blackout on Hot 97 the other week and throw Kanye West, Q-Tip and Joe Budden under the proverbial bus. I realised that I may have been depriving myself of some quality ignorant TV programming, and immediately set about watching and live tweeting the latest episode. It’s fair to say that this is the greatest thing I’ve seen since Miss Rap Supreme (“This is not a game, people!”). The premise of the show seems to revolve around a collection of former weed carriers, bi-polar music industry types and busted-looking broads with a thirst for the spotlight.

In the episode that I witnessed, Joe Budden and his magical facial hair were being stalked by his former flame Tahiry (who Star described as having an ass that “was raised on dirty poultry”), who gatecrashed backstage to ask Joe when he was going to rap on her shitty song about how obsessed she is with him, which resulted in her getting into a fight with his new chick and him telling her “I don’t call you” over and over in disturbing monotone. Consequence plays his “baby mama” Jen The Pen an embarrassingly bad diss track he made about this hideous dame called Roqi Thunder who she’s beefing with, and then another guy goes and chokes out his girl’s cousin for posting pictures of her ass to Instagram while training her. In between all of this fuckery, some other struggle types attempted to kick-start their music careers, but these subplots are clearly only to fill-in time in between beatdowns.

What has all of this taught me? For one, I may have underestimated the Cons. For years, I just had him pegged as the Greatest Weed Carrier of All-Time for held bags of trees over two generations of rap, but it turns out the dude is also more than willing to publicly humiliate anybody who crosses his path, especially women! Sure, when he was confronted by Budden over some disparaging remarks he started copping more pleas than a convict, but he has absolutely no hesitations in screaming on Roqi or even his own girlfriend when need arises! It also reminded me that instead of wasting my time interviewing rap legends, I should dedicate my life to watching more lowest common denominator reality TV and becoming a rap gossip blogger. Or not.

Keep up with Robbie’s weekly ‘No Country For Old (Rap) Men’ here.

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