Outspoken Momofuku restauranteur David Chang has sanctimoniously published his “Burger Manifesto”, and in it, he goes in on our methods of putting together what is now a fish-and-chip shop staple. “You know who fucks up burgers more than anyone else in the world? Australians. Australia has no idea what a burger is,” Chang said, causing a significant portion of the population to immediately retort with “bit harsh, mate”.
Having gone completely ham on our burgers, he digresses, explaining his issue is with our ingredients. “They put a fried egg on their burger. They put canned beetroot on it, like a wedge of it. I am not joking you. This is how they eat their burger.” The chef does, however, give a shout out to Mary’s in Newtown, so it’s apparently not all bad down here.
Chang mentions a variety of rules that we should follow when enjoying our burgers from now on, including not overfilling them, and avoiding, among other things, mustard, brioche, and kobe beef. He goes on further to decry the use of any vegetables, much like an ornery seven-year-old, and essentially proclaims White Castle burgers as perfection. “Next he’ll be telling me I can’t put any bloody dead horse on it!” exclaims a caricature of an Australian that hopefully doesn’t actually exist.
It’s probably worth noting the final footnote in this manifesto, though: “Do as I say, not as I do. When you catch me eating one of these kinds of burgers that I have spoken against, please know that I am the ultimate hypocrite and that I am probably enjoying the shit out of it. Hamburgers are pretty much all good.”
Take the opportunity to school yourself by gazing upon the holy manifesto here.