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RU - Internet rapper graveyard

Once upon a time, folks thought that “bloggers were the new DJs,” and a bunch of struggle rap dudes began to drink their own Kool-Aid on account of getting a bunch of comments every time their shitty songs would get posted on a music blog. XXL magazine seemed to encourage this behaviour by featuring most of these guys on the covers of their Freshman Class issues, which now serve as a sort of photographic cemetery for failed rap careers. The standard formula seems to be this: pick three rappers who are clearly going to be big, add three blog rappers, another three regional underground MCs and then one random dude whom no one has ever heard of. Let’s take a little time out to kick some of the also-rans while they’re down, shall we?


Despite The Bronx’s strong rap heritage, it hasn’t produced any big name MCs in quite some time. Mickey Factz did little to change that legacy. Despite the fact that he garnered enough of a rap blog buzz in ‘07 and ‘08 to land himself a spot on the 2009 Freshman cover, his career peaked that same year in the wake of his appearance in a commercial for the Honda Accord. Although he signed a deal with Battery Records in 2010, he still hasn’t released an official album. According to this hilarious Wikipedia entry:

“In 2012, Factz tried to release Mickey MauSe under his label, but they considered it to be too artistic and did not back it up. This project represented what it truly meant to be an artist and lots of research was done in order to learn about Mickey Mouse and that era of time.”

He shouldn’t feel too bad though, since the only LP that Battery ever released was that Q-Tip project with a live band that nobody wanted seven years earlier. Thankfully, Mickey blessed his loyal fans with a box set of all ten of his mixtapes in 2012 called The Artistic Collection, on account of him being all artistic and whatnot.


This red-headed step child made a little noise with college frat rap stoner single imaginatively titled ‘I Love College’, before his album went nowhere and he returned to the mixtape circuit, where he reemerged as a long-haired weedhead, in stark contrast to his earlier clean-cut wake and bake persona. On account of his White Rapper Privilege, he was offered a second chance at Def Jam where he’s yet to deliver anything, other than changing the title of his still-unheard second album from Is This Too Orange? to Retro Hash so as not to hurt Frank Ocean’s feelings. This is presumably the same vapourware second album that was originally titled The Spaghetti Tree back in 2010, which was scrapped after the unfortunately titled ‘G.R.I.N.D. (Get Ready It’s A Brand New Day)’ single tanked. He’s also threatened to release projects with Travis Barker from Blink-182 and Pete Rock, but I guess all that tree-smoking has really had an impact on his schedule. He also managed to piss off Eminem with that ‘As I Em’ song, which was his corny attempt to distance himself from comparisons to Slim Shady but it mainly just resulted in an angry sonning on last years ‘Asshole’.


Who can forget this guy, with his love of Sonic the Hedgehog and wearing pink, and that time he got punched in the face by a chick when he rapped that she’d had his abortion? Despite somehow convincing some clearly high-as-fuck A&R at Interscope Records to sign him, once he turned in This Perfect Life they realised what a total shit sandwich it was and cut their losses by shelving it forever. There was also that unfortunate incident where he listed J Dilla as ‘Executive Producer’ on the credits of one his mixtapes, which resulted in the fury of the backpackers across the universe being rained down upon him until he was left curled up in the fetal position in the corner of his room, quietly weeping. Another XXL alumni, Charles’ career highlight may have been having a song played on an episode of Entourage, which, considering Saigon’s involvement, is basically the kiss of death for any rap career. The last word on Sonic the Hamilton is that he “went to London in an attempt to rediscover himself and is now focusing on his music and other things he is passionate about in life” in 2013, which I assuming is code for “he’s currently sleeping on Jay Electronica’s couch.”


I’m showing my age here, but I can remember a time when Papoose was considered one of the top guns in New York’s mixtape game. Riding off the momentum, he allegedly convinced Jive Records to pony up $1.5 million large in 2006 for an album which they didn’t release and claims to have walked away with the cash regardless. From that point on, he transformed from a Mixtape Rapper to an Internet Rapper, as he seems to dedicate a large proportion of his time to trolling the world with stunts. Stunts like attempting to sneak a key into his wife Remy Ma while she was in jail (I’m assuming inside of a giant cake), crashing Hot 97’s Summer Jam thanks to Kendrick Lamar giving him time from his set and then releasing a diss song to Kendrick following the ‘Control’ verse, and, finally, releasing his 2006 album in 2013, where it sounded painfully like an album from 2006 that nobody would have been checking for anyway. Having promised to release a mixtape every month for the rest of this year, it seems that Papoose is showing no signs of abandoning his project to troll the rap world forever with classy efforts such as his ‘2013 Obituary’.


I’ll let Wikipedia handle this one:

“In July 2011, Jay Electronica posted via his Twitter that his debut album, Act II: Patents of Nobility (The Turn), was complete. On March 8, 2012, Jay Electronica tweeted that the album is complete and will be turned in to Roc Nation.”

Last seen banging heiress Kate Rothchild in London.

Keep up with Robbie’s weekly ‘No Country for Old (Rap) Men’ here.